Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Back on the bandwagon...

Yep, its true. I am back. And as much as I want to say I am better than ever...that simply is not the truth. Lately, I feel way too out of control. My life seems to take lots of unplanned twists and turns these past few months, and in the midst of that, I have completely forgetton to take care of myself. Whats interesting, is that exercise and healthy eating always make me feel better about everything! So why is it so damn hard for me to just continue?! I wish I had the answer, not only for myself, but for my family. I let them down again and again as I fall back into my old routine.

A little update on everything. I started to fall behind when my husband was laid off from work (which is "normal" for us, he works on call at his employer, and they often don't have work through the summer months). Shortly after, we found out that our youngest daughter, Marlee, has anisometropic amblyopia, a visually disabling condition where one eye has extremely poor vision. I struggled with the idea that my child has never really SEEN the world around her. Everything, including my face, has just been a blur. It was a stark reminder to slow down, relax, and enjoy the beauty that life has to offer. Instead, my anxiety rose, and made doing that impossible.

Since then, it is one thing after another. My brother, Skyler, decided to come live with us. We don't have much to offer him physically, but emotionally I think he thrives here. The rules and boundaries that hes provided with here allow him to be a normal teenage boy, and have normal teenage boy expectations. Well, that is, until he got hit by a car riding his skateboard. Since the accident, my anxiety over him has skyrocketed. I am in a constant state of worry. Is he being safe? Is he making good decisions? Are his friends pressuring him to do things he shouldn't?

In reality, all this worry is just making me fatter, and more unhealthy. Aside from my anxiety, I had a migraine that scared me shitless. I suffered from these migraines during Marlee's pregnancy, but was hopeful that pregnancy caused them and I would suffer no more. No dice. I ended up in the ER, with loss of vision and numbness in my left hand and the left side of my face. All of that on top of the excruiciating headache. I am left to wonder what triggered it. Could it be stress? Could it be a imbalance of hormones?

Hormones. That brings me to my latest Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome diagnosis. Yep. My body, making itself fatter. Me allowing it to happen. What does this mean? It means that I need to work that much harder, push that much further to overcome this little demon known as obesity. But...

I CAN AND I WILL DO THIS! I have to. For my sanity. For my children. For my husband. For my brother. Most of all, for myself. I will push that much harder, I will go that much further. And I will tell you all about it right. here.

So, my goal for the day? Eat proportionatly sized meals. Stick to healthy fats, and throw the refined carbs and sugars out the window. Also, only unsweetened tea and water for me! Here's what I plan on eating to help me stick to that goal!

So far today, I have had a cup of tea, with a smidgen of raw honey to sweeten it. I have quite the sore throat this morning. For breakfast I will have two egg whites, with one yolk. As a snack I will make myself a protein shake, and chow down on some carrots. For lunch, I will have a salad of romaine lettuce, topped with veggies and canned tuna. My second snack will likely be a piece of fruit or a veggie. Dinner will be grilled boneless skinless chicken breast, with a roma tomato, basil, and mozzarella (easy on the mozzarella!) salad. Drizzled (very) lightly with basalmic vinegar and olive oil. Then another protein shake before bed.

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